


Annoying Love Pats and STDs

by ember_alda



Category: Naruto
Genre: Crack, Frenemies, Humor
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-12-28
Updated: 2011-12-28
Packaged: 2017-10-28 07:10:18
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,045
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/305178
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ember_alda/pseuds/ember_alda
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Some slight friction between Akatsuki members arises when deciding who gets to sleep on the bed that night.</p><p> </p>
            </blockquote>





	Annoying Love Pats and STDs

 

“Kakuzu.”

“.....”

“Kakuzu!”

“.......”

“Fine! You know what?” Hidan clawed his left hand, pushing aside the flaps of his akatsuki robes, scraping his nails against the skin of his chest to touch his heart. His other arm was pointed straight, against the motion of the setting sun, fingers bent perpendicular to his hand. His mouth opened to the widest point possible, saliva already gathering at the sides of his mouth as he proceeded to gurgle.

“AgruaRAGHHHACH…JASHIN! LORD OF WHO WE ALL BE, ACCEPT THIS ULULATION IN THY NAME. The Essence of my soul REVEALED to you in the mortal plane of suffering. JASHIN! Three commands east in your house of pain- URHURULLLGGHHHH-”

The sound of a cracked pen and the clink of money sliding from a fist being slammed into a table interrupted his holy ululation. The words ground out slowly through Kakuzu’s mouth.

“Yes. What is it.” Motherfucker.

A mild pause ran through the room. Well…now that he’d already started on the song of praise he shouldn’t really stop in the middle of a God ordained rite-

The frisson of calm in his partner’s green eyes bore straight into his chest from where he sat, actually more frightening then if Kakuzu decided to go batshit crazy on his ass and rip off his head. Yeah, sometimes he knew exactly what Hidan was thinking. Kakuzu had heard the song go on for at _least_ an hour and if he thought there wasn’t a God before he definitely would have at the end of that atrocious thing.

Hidan turned to the single bed in their room at the inn, deciding that for once he would let this slide- besides, Jashin didn’t really need to hear the ritual song used for pregnancy from him. Kaukuzu didn’t need to know that either. Instead, the priest decided to point at what was stacked on the sheets.

“What the _fuck_ , Kakuzu?!”

A subtle turn of the other man’s head indicated that he was listening, saw what was there, and didn’t really care. “So?”

“Look, I don’t give a fuck what you do, but you know that some of those carcasses are _over a week old_ don’t you? Are _you_ going to be fucking sleeping on that thing? No. _I'm_ going to be sleeping on that shitty bed and when I’m sleeping I don’t want to roll around in some heathen’s congealing blood and disease ridden guts.”

Kakuzu stared blankly at the pile of bounty heads and other bodily parts he had taken with them for the past week, then turned back calmly to the small, rickety table he’d set down their account ledger. He wasn’t about to explain _yet again_ that they hadn’t passed a bounty station in fucking weeks and they couldn’t cash in the reward until two days from now.

“-and I couldn’t give a rat’s ass about how we haven’t seen a bounty station in fucking weeks, for once I won that traitorous jaken pon match designed by jackoff unbelievers thinking they can cheat God through chance before they burn in the effigy of hell, and get to sleep on the _bed_ this time. Now there’s rotting, ugly corpses where I’m supposed to wake up the next morning although it isn’t unlike waking up and seeing your _face_ -”

“I don’t see what the problem is. You get blood everywhere anyway when you do your morning ritual so it’s not like it’s going to stay clean.” Not once during Hidan’s tirade did Kakuzu turn around during balancing their travel expenses. He wasn’t even going to _justify_ the ranting coming from the other side of the room. If Hidan could leak his blood everywhere like an unfixed toilet, he could deal with a few overripe bounty heads. It’s not like he was the one who cleaned up afterward.

“Did I just hear that? Don’t tell me that I just heard that you pagan bastard. The morning ritual’s about _cleansing_ , how am I supposed to purify myself to accept Jashin’s will if my blood mixes with the blood of those godless heathens, not that you would understand the meaning behind the morning rite money wanker-”

Money wanker. That was a new one, Kakuzu would have to step up his game if he didn’t want to be left behind. He rolled around a few new ones in his head. Slut bucket, flooz-bag, whoretard, ho-tel, the list reeled on. Did the guy even own a shirt? If Hidan hadn’t already found his vocation he’d probably be dancing around in spangled thongs. The only people who went around voluntarily exposing their chests that much were strippers and manwhores. Which sometimes made him wonder about Itatchi’s brother…

“-obstructing a true believer’s worship. I hope Jashin fucks you up for this. Maybe he’ll finally grant me access to heaven and you’ll be stuck in a three man group with Tobi and Deidara for partners, maybe Leader will be collecting your bounty and using it to maintain an expensive cheese collection. Maybe he’ll strike you down with some freaky STD, although I don’t know how you’ll get one you fugly bastard, unless you rub yourself against used towels and sheets or something, that’s what you do isn’t it-”

Hidan wasn’t even paying attention anymore, not even looking at the other man. Kakuzu had already finished his ledger ten minutes ago, and had slowly gotten up from the chair. While the priest was still turned around tentacles suddenly shot forth from under his clothes, sliding beneath Hidan’s robe, grappling him to the ground. They bound around their victim and yanked him till his face pressed against the wooden boards. Kakuzu calmly stalked to where his partner was held, crouching down easily beside him, face looming closely above the other's while one of the tentacles slide off and patted Hidan’s face smoothly and condescendingly. For once, Hidan kept his mouth shut.

Kakuzu closed in close enough that Hidan could see the creepy smile crinkles in the corners of his eyes, which were still completely serene as he spoke, crooning in a picnic-happy voice, tone softly lilting and weirdly threatening. “That’s fine. Both of us can just sleep together on the floor, hmm?”

There were no objections and Hidan was completely silent the rest of the night.

 

 **THE END**

 

**Author's Note:**

> I just imagined that when Hidan gets pissed about something, he could just go on and on and _on_ XD And of course, poor Kakuzu has to put up with it all the time.


End file.
